May 19 2009
How to trust my spouse again after he lied to me for so long?
How to trust my spouse again after he lied to me for so long?!
“I am working on learning how to trust my spouse again. He is my best friend and my lover. I recently found out that he has been betraying you and lying to me for a year now! He has been taking pills, and telling me that he is sober. He has been looking in my eyes and swearing that he is not taking any pills. He has even sworn upon a dead relatives grave that he loves and misses so dearly. I was on the computer one day and saw his history that he was looking up doctors for help. When I then confronted him about what I found he confessed everything to me. I was very devastated to hear about everything he had lied about. He has been seeing a doctor for the past few months and is doing great.
I just can’t seem to really forget what happened and trust him again. I still find out that he not being fully honest with me. I find out about him lying about small things that wouldn’t normally be very important. Yet things that I feel that he should be open to me about. Sometimes I get so paranoid and over think things so much that I start to wonder if he is cheating on me, but I know that is something that he can never do to me. I just worry so much more now, and I cannot figure our how to get over it! I love him too much to leave him, and give up on him. Any ideas on how to help me overcome this issue?”
Sometimes if you love a person enough then you would leave. Sometimes staying with a person and pulling them down because of your insecurities all the time then you are hurting them more. The fact that you say he has a substance abuse problem then you need to realize that this is so much bigger than you and your ego! If you really love this man then your number one priority right now should be finding him great help and helping him to become sober. You cannot judge a man by his faults, but by the way that they deal with them, and improve them.
He has a mental disorder that is causing him to use drugs. It has taught him to be a compulsive liar. I believe that you have a few ways to deal with this… Here are your choices … 1. Grow up get over your broken heart and really see that this man was not being himself, something else was controlling him. -or- 2. See that you cannot set aside the broke heart (they all get the best of us sometimes) and take a step back from him and encourage him to get help from his family, when he is sober then maybe you can speak again.
Once everything is dealt with, and you choose to be with him and he is sober. I think that then you will both need to agree to start over! You will need to realize that you must leave the past in the past and you cannot punish this man the rest of his life for an addiction that he had at one point in his life. Trust comes from truly being over what they did and understanding that they learned a lesson and that it will not happen again.
I really do hope the best for him, and you! I know that it is exceptionally hard to love someone who is dependent upon chemicals. However, you need to step back and see that there is a bigger picture and he is in a very serious and scary situation! His health is more important than his relationship with you at this point. Unfortunately you will have to give up your needs until he is better, or tell him goodbye.
